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11:58am 02/10/2008
  i have finally found myself.

after so many years of searching and pretending to be something that im not,
i have finally found me again.
throughout high school i was lost.
i never could make a name for myself.
i was simply the new kid, or the kid no one knew well.
now is my time.
michigan state is my new home,
and it is perfect.
this is the happiest ive ever been in my entire life.


i have finally found myself.
 
     
1 lie|they told
 
   
04:28pm 29/04/2008
  alex and i just got into another fight. with the year so close to its end, you would think i would try to savor what we have left together, whether it be 4 months of separation or even longer. maybe im pushing him away. or maybe hes really just making stupid decisions to get his ass in trouble. hes the one that has to go and befriend some girl the last few weeks of school. his only friend here, a girl. junior, lives in Chicago, transferred here this year for her bf. most of that sounds familiar right? maybe thats where the threat comes from. the fact that she is a lot like me. but seriously, does she really need alex to drive her home all the time? she has a bf here. i don't care if they are in a fight, get over it. alex is my bf and he should'nt have to drive her home, even if hes "okay" with it.

maybe i should just leave. if i left i could numb myself. i would miss him more if i stayed for the next 3 years and we continually went on "breaks." ive learned to let go of people pretty easily. its not a good trait to have. i feel so numb to relationships and friendships.

writing a paper about the great depression isn't helping my mood either. i feel like crying. not alone. with someone to hold me. im tired of crying all alone.

i need to seek counseling before i leave on Saturday. i need outside opinions.

im so scared of the future. i dont even know why.

i dont wanna feel screwed like alex's new friend. i know what i SHOULD do, just doing it is hard. however, if i chose to do what i shouldnt do, i would be able to make it work. thats how my whole lifes been; making it work for the best even if it sucked at times. either way i know ill be fine. i know that you shouldnt live your life with regret, but either decision i make i will regret something. there is no hiding from it.



4 days until i say goodbye to SJU, and possibly for good.
 
     
they told
 
   
11:51pm 25/04/2008
  most couples arent faced with the question so soon; the question thats been nagging me for months now. "what about the future?"

i envy those couples.
 
     
they told
 
   
12:46am 07/04/2008
  if i died tomorrow i dont think many people would care. except my mom, dad, sidney, and alex.
i dont think many people would even know if i did anyway.
ive already lived my best days. im ready for it



ive come to the conclusion that i dont have anything going for me these days.

i am an empty soul.
 
     
2 lies|they told
 
   
12:08am 06/04/2008
  i told myself that if this weekend went well id reconsider...  
     
they told
 
   
01:30pm 29/10/2007
 
mood: cold
1. First thing you wash in the shower?
my hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
navy blue, my state track championships hoodie :)

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
duhhh.

4.Do you plan outfits?
not at all

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
tired. dirty. lazy.

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
aim.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having last night?
ergh dont remember. but i usually have  a reoccurring dream of getting raped or cheated on.

10. What are you craving right now?
wendys... i can see it outside of the classroom window

11. Do you floss?
when needed..

12. What comes to mind when i say cabbage?
carnival people. hahaha. austin powers: "carnies. small hands. smell like cabbage."

15. Would you dance to the taco song?
and wtf is that song

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
no. dont have the patience.

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
bite

19. cool.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
yeah. arnold and jay cutler! wow. i have met two famous bodybuilders. look what alex is doing to me. haha.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
idk. never really tried it to tell ya the truth.

22. What are you listening to right now?
my indian teacher and student teacher talking. hahaha.

23. How many countries have you visited?
im lame. just the u s of a

24. Are your parents strict?
nahh. i dont think so. its easy to get away with things. ask my brother.

25. Would you go sky diving?
if i was attached to a professional.

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
no thanks. i would have trouble staying awake.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
why potatoes? maybe something else. idk.

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
nah

30. Do you rent movies often?
not that often. when i do its a big deal.

31. Who sits in behind you in your math class?
some guy who has never said a word.

34. Can you count backwards from 74?..
yea. i hope everyone over the age of 2 can.

35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
alex. maybe the girls in my house if they are nice.

36. Brown or white eggs?
never had brown. prolly either. i loveeee eggs.

38. Ever been on a train?
yeah. to go to NYC and to go back to monty.

39. Ever been in love?
yesss. still am.

40. Do you have a cell-phone?
yes. it nearly went kapoot yesterday after a toilet water accident. i will never take it into the bathroom again.

43. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
i dont like this whole best friend statement. its a toughie.not sure if i have one. i guess i could say alex is mine but idk.

45. Ever have cream puffs?
yea they are okay i guess

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
yea last night. weirddd.

47. What was the last question you asked?
what was the last question i asked?

48. What was the last CD you bought?
john legend maybe

49. Boys or girls?
boys for sure

50. What is your bus number for school?
bus no more

51. Is your hair curly?
wavy yes.

52. Last time you cried?
yesterday about my phone

53. Ever walked into a wall?
yeah and door screens. those damn things.

55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun?
yeah

57. Favorite time of the year?
idk. depends how my life is going.

58. Favorite color?
blue and red

60. Do you have any tattoos?
no

61. The next person you’ll hold hands with… will it mean anything?
alexander. yes.

62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
yeah cause my roommate usually comes in later so it provides her with some light when im asleep.

63. Where was your default picture taken at?
which one? my facebook one? jinelles house summer before junior year i think

65. Do you like your life right now?
yes and no

67. What is your favorite animal?
charlie. any kind of dog. penguins. squirrels.

69. Do you have good vision?
nope. hope my eye infection is gone. ive been stuck in my glasses for 2 weeks and its driving me crazyy

70. Can you hula hoop?
nope

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
yeah after i leave them.

72. Do you have a job?
no. might work at the LA Fitness day care center though

74. What are you wearing?
jeans and sweatshirt

76. Have you ever crawled through a window?
yeah.

77. Can you handle the truth?
well, depends on the situation. but what i cant handle more is not hearing the truth. (exactly jinelle)

78. What was the most recent thing you bought?
raisin bran crunch, milk, peanut butter, birthday card for sid

79. How often do you talk on the phone?
eh. idk. whenever the parents call.

81. Do you hate/dislike more than 3 people?
yeah. does that make me a mean person?

83. Are you sarcastic?
yeah

84. Have you ever slapped someone?
yeah. i slap people to defend myself. its a bad habit.

85. Do looks matter?
its a nice bonus in a guy. ive been working out so i would have to say yea.

86. Do you use chap stick?
burts

87. Are you too forgiving?
sometimes. i get walked all over a lot.

88. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
no.

89. Do you own a gun?
no way

90. Have you made a prank phone call?
with my guy friends from monty.

91. Have you ever been in a castle?
disney? haha.

92. Do you like your hair?
the color yes. the style nooo.

93. Do you believe in yourself?
sorta

94. Are you emotional?
yea. its not my fault though. its the pills!

96. When was the last time you talked on aim?
uh last week?

97. Did you meet anybody new today?
no

98. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
the chair




What was the first thing you thought this morning?
shit i gotta pee.

Is the person you have a crush/are dating on older or younger than you?
5  months younger.

What was the last thing you did before going to bed last night?
math hw

What do you hope to do this weekend?
catch up with accounting.

Do you think you will still be in the relationship your in right now, 3 months from now?
yes i can strongly say yes

Have you ever cried while in the shower?
yea ive cried everywhere i think

What was your favorite grade?
junior and senior year

What were you doing at 12am last night?
math hw and watching tv

What’s a sure way to catch your attention?
make fun of me. compliment me. say "hey bitch!" jk haha

Have you ever, in any way, been betrayed by someone you trusted?
yeah in a way. ive had my share of bad friends. but thats because i was only friends with them a short while. never had life long meaningful ones i guess.

When was the last time you were given roses?
my birthday last year. oh and my accident senior year.

Is there anything that you are craving for right now?
ice cream

Where did your last hug take place?
in front of mcshain by my house.

Do people ever make stupid mistakes when spelling or saying your name?
always. hillary. one L please.

Have you ever started a sentence with "No offense, but...?
yea.

Do you drink tea?
ice tee

When was the last time you saw a cop?
5 mins ago on a back street. sketchy.

Did you ride in someone else's car today?
alexs later.

Is there a calendar in your room?
no

What are you excited for?
thanksgiving break.

Do you drink water?
yeah thats all i drink

Are you an artist?
sure.

Do you have an addiction?
sex and candy

What did you do today?
woke up. didnt shower cause i only give myself 10 mins to get ready for class. went to accounting. took notes. went to calc. did my hw in class. went back to my room to finish german presentation. went to german class and gave my presentation. went to the caf and got a chicken salad, went to my house and ate it in the lobby. went on my computer. went to my dss class. went on facebook and livejournal durin gclass. now im at alexs house.

Do you like hugs and kisses?
yes i do :)

How many pillows do you sleep with?
2

Do you act gangsta?
not at all. it seems wrong when a white girl tries to.

How did you wake up today?
alarm clock

Do you miss someone?
yes my whole family

What's your weakness?
candy and fried foods. procrastination.

What are you afraid of?
betrayal. ending up alone.

What are you doing at this very moment?
sitting on alexs bed doing this.

What is your favorite tv show?
scrubs without a doubt. and reality shows crack me up.

What is your favorite season?
summer and fall

Have you ever failed a class?
no. and i plan to keep it that way.
 
     
they told
 
   
08:10am 07/02/2007
   
     
1 lie|they told
 
   
05:39pm 31/01/2007
 

boys suck

end of story

 
     
1 lie|they told
 
   
02:35pm 21/07/2004
 
 
     
7 lies|they told